So how do you feel?

Thats the most common question I've been asked by work colleagues ... so now its [the surgery] done, how do you feel? I kinda look at them a bit perplexed cos ... what does that mean? Are they asking how I feel mentally or physically? So of course the standard first response is "I feel great!" of course I'm always smiling from ear to ear because I cant help myself. I've been told I'm glowing at the moment - no pregnancy rumours please!

How do I feel? Mentally, I feel ecstatically happy and so damned pleased that I chose to do the surgery - and if I had to make that kind of decision again - I would definately not deny myself the happiness I feel now. I am really pleased with the results. I am also quite aware that this isnt the end of my journey, more like the start of a new one. I know that I still have to engage my brain to engage my mouth and body. I know that I'll never be able to get so complacent that its ok to put on weight or become unfit and not worry about it. I do know that I dont need to obsess over EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, but I do know I need to balance things out and think about things sensibly and logically - overeating/bad eating + nonactivity = weight gain - its quite a simple equation really. I feel quite confident about my body, yes its scarred, got a bit of swelling and at the moment quite a few floppy bits from lack of exercise, but I know that the scarring will fade, the swelling will disappear and when I get back to my exercise routine the floppy bits will still be there, but not so untamed! I'm positive about my future and I'm certain that I will maintain this new figure for the rest of my life. I still walk into a store and go to bigger clothes sizing sections. *shrug*

Physically ... how do I feel? As bizzare as it seems, I dont notice it until I see myself - in a mirror or shop window. Or I am in a situation where previously my physical being was bought to my attention - like sitting in seats or on public transport for example. Classic thing happened today, I was on a bus and normally my knees are always hard up against the seat in front of me - that doesnt happen anymore, probably because I've lost my arse shelf and I sit further back into my seat now. I've also noticed I can walk through smaller "gaps" like in a coffee shop when people are standing in a queue or between people seated at tables - I dont rub my belly or arseshelf against them anymore LOL. I've noticed people dont try to make as much room for me to pass anymore. Who would have thought that eh? I'm still giving myself the shock factor - I still have to do the double takes in the mirror - I cant help myself, I lift up my top and admire my new belly button! I CANT HELP MYSELF! I try on my new clothes - just cos I wanna have a look and I CANT HELP MYSELF! Do I feel different ... hmmmmm I certainly dont "feel" lighter. Like I dont feel lighter in my step or feel like I can jump higher - I think thats more a co-ordination thing. I do wonder though how long my ankles, knees and hips would have lasted if I hadnt lost 80kgs. I love laying in bed on my side and putting my hand on my hip and let my thumb sit on my backside and my fingers curl over my belly and there is this lovely smooth shapely hip. I've never experienced that before. I love laying on my back and see my flat tummy and hip bones REAL hip bones. I have a lovely shaped "v-dub bonnett" - my fanny is how a girls fanny is supposed to look - well according to all the pictures in girlie magazines and nature books I suppose - it even looks normal in knickers - like what you see in a lingerie magazine. I love my arse and I love my feminine shape - my waist going into feminine hips and rounded out thighs - I love that. These "normal" things that slim people have never even thought twice about - are part of the visual symphony I see in the mirror every day at the moment.

I've also got frustrations about my new body already! How crazy is that?? I still see big thighs and a wee pot belly - I think as humans and specifically women - it wont matter what we achieve or how well we do - I think we have something hardwired that will always give us self doubts about something to do with our appearance or actions. Physically if nothing changed about my shape for the rest of my life - I would be ecstatically happy to live with that - its 1000% better than what I had. Thats no exaggeration.

People who have seen my transformation are supportive and reflective. People who havent seen my transformation but hear about it cant imagine it how and what I was like and how I got to where I am now - some of them I'm sure dont understand and I dont expect them to.

I feel normal and yet I feel different. I want to be part of the crowd where I am just me and not "the lady that used to be HUGE" and yet sometimes I want to shout my achievements from the rooftops and say FUCK WORLD LOOK AT ME AND WHAT I'VE DONE! I guess it just depends on where I am and who I'm with - with you guys reading me, I dont have to - I know you know what's going on here. I guess anyone who has achieved anything - like a kid who has lost their first tooth, an athlete who has won an olympic gold medal or a student who gets their degree - they have their limelight and live to enjoy the memories it creates, and hopefully go on to reap the benefits of their success. Everyone deserves that - especially if they try their damn hardest to make it happen.