What is our biggest motivator?

is it me?
is it my friends?
is it WW?
is it exercise?
is it goals?
is it rewards?

for me it's a bit of everything, but the common denominator of all of those is ....

FEAR

fear of getting fat again
fear of not be accepted by people
fear of those damn scales showing a gain
fear of not being able ride, swim, run, jump, walk
fear of not reaching my goals
fear of not getting what I want
fear of dying early and not being able to enjoy my wonderful life

So what started this journey for me?

I was scared I'd never see my family in Australia ... why? because I was too fat to fit in an aeroplane seat. So what happened?

The day after I signed up to WeightWatchers in January 2004, I booked our tickets to Australia for Christchurch December 2004 - 12 months to lose enough weight to get my arse into a plane seat. That first year I worked my arse off ... all 40kgs of it ... I planned, I set goals, I tracked, I ate well, I started to exercise and right up until I was walking down that air bridge and onto the plane on 24 December 2004 - my stomach was churning ... waiting for the humiliation to come - would my arse fit in that damned seat? would I have to ask for a seatbelt extension? would I be asked to purchase another seat or even worse still - the plane is full and unfortuately I wouldnt be allowed on the flight because they couldnt accommodate me. Imagine that? Imagine the horror, humiliation, sadness I would have felt. Imagine if I had to ring my family in Australia at the last minute and say ... hey sorry guys I couldnt come over for Christmas after all. Even walking down that air bridge I was just about being physically ill, petrified my arse wouldnt fit in that plane seat. I remember walking down the aisle, shimmying into our row and then plonking myself down in the seat ... and I fitted in it ... and I could do up the seatbelt ... yep it was a reasonable squeeze ... but I was in my seat without an extension and suddenly the fear was gone ... the world was my oyster, I was bulletproof and I was on my way to see my family.

That moment was the first time I truely believed in myself and what I could achieve if I really wanted to.

I got home from holiday that year and life went into overdrive again. I knew I needed to keep pushing myself ... so I went back to work and announced to my girlfriends that I wanted to walk the abel tasman ... who wanted to come with me? Sarah and Liz signed up and so started my next mission ... fitness to walk 72kms over three days. The fear adrenalin kicked in again ... what would happen if I couldnt walk that far? Would I be stuck in the wilderness on my own waiting for some poor search party to carry me out of there ... omg ... imagine that ... imagine the humiliation of that? Would I let my buddies down becuase I was the fat slow poke who couldnt make it ... I'd ruin their break away and the humiliation of all our friends and work colleagues knowing that I didnt make it through the whole walk.

Fear drove me to train hard, lose another 20kgs and I did that damn walk and to date its been the biggest highlight and achievement of this weightloss journey.

While I was training for the walk, I was also thinking ... oh god ... what next once the walk is over ... and Jaxx in Taupo planted a seed for me ... a triathlon ... hell yeah I could do a triathlon ... couldnt I? so I registered ... omg ... how humiliating ... getting into togs ... IN PUBLIC! bloody ell, what the hell was I thinking? By the time I got to the Abel Tasman I was in my prime, peak physical condition - probably the best condition my body has ever been in. Home from Abel Tasman and there was no time for resting on my laurels ... I had a triathlon to compete in in 8 weeks! holy crap ... omg ... fear junkie kicked in again, I trained hard - everyday, every weekend I was swimming, walking, biking, running ... damn I was a machine! I competed and completed a bloody triathlon ... me, leenie ... a triathlete. Unbloodybelieveable.

So what's stopped me from losing these past 12 months?

I've lost my fear. I'm not bloody scared of anything any more ... anything I want to do, I can do and I wont humiliate myself like I would have when I was 174kg ... why's that? ... because my life is "normal" again - physically I can achieve anything I want to.

So what keeps me going?

I'm scared if I get complacent ... too complacent ... I'll get fat and unfit again. But I'm really only treading water, I eat well, I enjoy my treats, too many of them these days, and I exercise well. Fitness is a part of my everyday active lifestyle now.

So whats going to keep me going? What's going to scare the shit out of me to make me want to finish this weight loss journey and start my full on life journey?

Surgery.

My new fear. Plastic surgery. Craig and I have been talking extensively about this and we've decided this is something I need to do ... for my physical and mental wellbeing. I need to finish what I started and at the end of it be the absolute best I can be. I'm seeing a surgeon in the new year and I'm planning on having my body lift operation in August 2007 - 9 months to drop 20kg.

- what if the surgeon says I'm too fat?
- what if I'm too high risk?
- what if they wont do the operation cos I havent lost enough weight?
- what if I'm not fit enough and it takes longer to recover?
- omg its going to hurt!!!

I'm scared. Real scared ... but damn I'm so excited about it - so its a wonderful exciting fear.

Fear is my motivator right now.

What scares you shitless?